While unplugging the charger for my camera battery last night, this ginormous Haitian Brown Tarantula violently lunged at me, catching me completely by surprise as I was not carrying my police-issued baton at the time. With acid-like venom dripping from it’s fangs, it darted in my direction and yelled, “I’m starving!!!” I looked directly into it’s eight beady little eyes, and said, “I hate spiders…”, after which I then took my fist and quickly jabbed it’s underbelly, rendering it paralyzed and defenseless.
It was a victory for the Thorps, and a victory for Haiti, which after the earthquake, a cholera epidemic, and a recent hurricane, now has one less thing to worry about. President Preval, in an incredibly uncharacteristic act of charisma, got off the couch he has been watching reruns of Law and Order on for the past 10 months and handed me the key to the city. Unfortunately, this key does not give me unlimited access to the Giant supermarket.
But in reality, the tarantula did not actually lunge at me, and after I ran around our living room like a little girl I grabbed a broom and shooed it out of the house. Apparently, according to google, Haitian Brown Tarantulas are not deadly at all, and their bite only leaves a slight bit of “tenderness and swelling”. Interestingly enough though, according to this article in the Baltimore Sun, in 1994 these spiders were what American troops who were stationed in Haiti had to worry about more than anything else (I’m assuming the writer of this article left out the threat of coups, violent protests, and gangs). In fact, they had a special boulder in the middle of their base camp on which they would place the carcasses of the tarantulas and centipedes that they had killed during the past day. And who said the American military doesn’t have compassion for the Haitian people?